Sex addicts inflict trauma and drama on their unsuspecting partners.

If you are on an emotional roller coaster and ready to stop and take a calmer ride, this is the place for you. Being betrayed and realizing your partner is a sex addict is a trauma. Discovering your reality was not what you thought it was is an intimate betrayal. Your partner, whom you thought was wonderful, has hurt you in the worst possible way. Your body is reacting to the sting, and you may be experiencing all kinds of symptoms, like snooping on him, crying uncontrollably, arguing with him anytime you see him, feeling like you want to run away or crawl up like a ball and sleep forever, to name a few.

Your first steps should include establishing your: 

Safety, Protecting Yourself, and Getting Support.

I strongly recommend taking a minimum of 6-12 months to evaluate your relationship. During this time, you shouldn’t make any major life decisions. 

Actions you should take now:

1. Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), no matter what. Sex addicts often contract STDs and infect their spouses.

2. Seek personal therapy from a certified or experienced therapist who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts.

3. Insist that your partner receive an evaluation and follow the recommendations from a trained sex addiction therapist.

4. work with your therapist to set personal boundaries to protect yourself and care for yourself while you decide what to do with your relationship.

Relationships with sex addicts are not easy to navigate, and the help of a therapist who specializes in helping partners of sex addicts is invaluable.

5. Decide with your therapist who are safe people to confide in while you heal. Develop a network of friends, professionals, and supporters who can support you through this difficult time.

6. Whether you stay or leave the relationship, you must care for yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Finding a good therapist who specializes in treating sex addicts and their partners will be an important part of your healing process. Through therapy, you can achieve balance in your life and learn to care for yourself.

For family members

You may be feeling great sadness and shock at this time. Others have expressed how embarrassed and alone they felt when they first found out that their partner/child/parent was a sex addict.  The pain and betrayal you are feeling are shared by many. The sorrow and grief others like you have felt finding out your loved one has hurt you so deeply can be unbearable at times. Finding your spouse, parent, or child has lied and deceived you and has led a secret life for (sometimes) many years leaves partners, parents, and children feeling devastated and angry.

You are not alone. If you are a family member who just discovered your loved one is a sex addict and has betrayed your trust, your first instinct may be to leave and never come back. There are other options besides running away or getting angry and seeking revenge. See 4 and 5 above in Actions, which you can do now.